In Honor of Grandma

Kathryn and Jeanne,

Today is the second anniversary of my Mom’s, your paternal grandmother’s, death.  My Dad, Grandpa, is doing well, but experiences times of grief.  You can feel the grief in his voice and demeanor.  Grief is interesting, and I’ll discuss grief in a future blog post.

At the time of Grandma’s death, Grandma and Grandpa had been married for 62 years.  They’re first date was Grandma’s 8^th Grade graduation and Grandpa had just finished his freshman year in high school.  June was the 70^th anniversary of their first date.

They truly loved each other.  But their relationship and their marriage were much more than truly loving each other.  I learned about marriage and love from them and they were wonderful models for marriage and as parents and just plain nice people.  Their model was powerful, and I expected my marriage to Mom to be warm, loving and nurturing, in essence, similar to my parent’s marriage.

Why did Grandma and Grandpa’s marriage work?

First of all, Grandma and Grandpa are genuinely wonderful people who had many friends and sustained long-term loving and healthy relationships with family, neighbors, clients, friends and acquaintances.  Both are happy people by nature with a strong sense of empathy and community.  My first leadership lessons came from watching my parents participate in PTA, Little League and other activities.  When the wife of a couple who were friends suddenly became very ill and subsequently died, Mom and Dad welcomed their children into our home for many years.  Each day after school we had 7 children (the three of us and the four other children) clambering around our small home and generally we had 10 people seated for dinner each school night.  At Grandma’s Celebration of Life, Jonathan, the oldest of the other family’s children, spoke lovingly of Mom’s influence in their life and his continuing relationship with Mom and Dad.

As mates, husband and wife, we knew from an early age that your grandparents were deeply in love and committed to each other.  Their relationship was not for show, they were deeply connected and worked well together as a team.  Grandma had suffered from her scoliosis for years, even when I was a child, and I can remember Grandma and Grandpa working well to care for us, care for Mom and maintain a life together.  In my mind, they truly modeled loving spouses, loving mates.  For Grandpa, Grandma was more important to him, then he was to himself.  For Grandma, Grandpa was more important to her, then she was to herself.  That was my model of a happy marriage.

So, as individuals they were wonderful people.  As spouses and mates, they shared a wonderful life committed to each other.  And, they were more…

As parents, as children to their parents, as siblings to their nuclear families, as aunt and uncle, as grandparents, as great grandparents, and as friends, they were loving and nurturing people who showed they cared for each of those roles deeply.  As their children, we knew we were cherished.  You know, as their grandchildren, that you are cherished.  They loved their parents and I remember how well Dad took care of his Grandmother, my Great Grandmother.  My cousin just sent Grandpa flowers to celebrate Father’s Day.  I remember they day your brother was born, he was so sick, and my Dad was waiting at the front door of the hospital for Mom and me to arrive.  He was so anxious, he had picked up a pack of cigarettes to have something to do while he was waiting for us to arrive.  Mom and Dad were always there, where ever there was, for us and all their loved ones. At every step along the way, even for Grandpa today, they were and are helping their loved ones in whatever role was right for that moment – parent, child, uncle and aunt, grandparent, friend.

Ultimately the model my parents set was of happiness in all aspects of life – as people, as mates and as loving parents, children, grandparents, siblings, friends.

Their model is my model and I want you to know that I love you deeply and totally.  I want you to clearly understand that I still love you deeply, which is especially important to me during this time of your estrangement from me.

Your Dad, Christopher Matthew