What is marriage?  What are the obligations of the husband to his wife and of the wife to her husband?  What does “to death do us part” suggest with regard to the fulfillment of spousal obligations?

When is a marriage finished?  Legally, conically, morally or emotionally?  In California, legally a marriage is concluded when a judge signs off on the divorce paperwork.  Also, in California, the date of legal separation is an important concept and reflects the date of conclusion of co-occupancy and further acts as a date for analysis of assets and liabilities.  Conically in the Catholic Church, a marriage is concluded via the process of annulment.  Once an annulment is granted, the Church no longer recognizes the marriage and both parties can marry again and have that new marriage recognized by the Church.

Morally, when is a marriage over?  I’d say when a spouse can no longer fulfill their obligations to the other spouse.  Maybe another way of describing the situation is that one spouse is taking advantage of the other spouse.

Emotionally, when is a marriage over?  Probably a long time after the marriage is morally over.  It takes time to process our feelings and sometimes we wander through time not even believing what our heart emotionally knows to be true.

All of these questions are relevant when I consider my parents long and happy marriage.  My Mom has passed away and my Dad still feels married to Mom.

When was my marriage to my FS over?  I believe it was over long before the legal work was complete and really concluded at an earlier time when my spouse failed to fulfill their obligations and failed as an emotional participant in the marriage.

Dad and Mom’s marriage continues well beyond Mom’s death.  My marriage concluded years before the legal technicalities concluded in divorce and clearly while both Kathryn and Jeanne were in grammar school.

Why did the marriage last long after the marriage was morally and emotionally concluded?  We’ll address that subject in another post.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Aesop

Kathryn and Jean,

Yesterday I attended the funeral of the Father of one of Kathryn’s grammar school classmates and my long-time friend.  Two years younger than me, he died in his sleep.  His four children spoke before Mass started and his older daughter, Kathryn’s classmate, spoke first and acknowledged the love and dedication he had shown her and her siblings.

As I sat in the pews, I wondered if you would attend my funeral or my Dad’s funeral?  Even your Mother attended her Father’s funeral, although in my last conversation with your Mother she told me that she was glad her Father was dead.

We, both of you and me, had a number of friends in attendance.  All of the many who spoke with me asked about both of you, all hoped you were doing well and all hoped you would reconcile with me.  Me too.

Life is complicated.  Life and relationships are sometimes difficult to understand.  As you move deep into your thirties and forties, you find that your mind may be more accommodating.  I hope greater accommodation in your mind occurs before my Dad passes away.  If you can find that in your heart, your sense of guilt and your acknowledgment of the silliness of your silence will hopefully be less of an issue for you, if you reach out to your Grandfather before he passes.  Thankfully, he is very healthy and you have some time, not twenty years, but possibly 10.

I love you and miss you.  I pray for you each and every day.

Love,

Dad

Kathryn,

I called and left you a voicemail on your birthday, August 21st.  I haven’t posted to our blog for a bit, so I thought I’d add my birthday greetings here too, because I know you block my phone calls.

So, Happy Birthday!!!

You are now 34 and the last time I was able to speak to you on your birthday was the day you turned 26.  I hope your thirties are treating you well and I pray daily that your heart will soften when it comes to me and my Dad.

I thought I would conclude with a quote of Aesop…

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

I promise to keep this quote in mind and I hope you will too.

Love,

Dad

From the Magis Center for Catholic Spirituality

August 16, 2018

In the parable for today’s mass, Jesus teaches me to be a man disposed to forgive anyone who has offended me. Why? First of all he shows me the infinite mercy of his Father, who “moved with compassion” forgives. Then, he asks me to remember I am a sinner, who has begged the Father often enough: “Be patient with me.”

To be forgiven means to be disposed to forgive, to remember all that God has done for me: He has forgiven me more than anyone could possibly ask of me. What is essential to make progress in fraternal love is to dwell upon all the favors God has given me.

Pardoning another does not simply mean re-arranging what was once an awkward situation. Being opened to God’s love and forgiveness means becoming more like him, acting toward others as he acts toward me and them. That is how Jesus teaches me what “pity” means.

Cornelius Buckley, S.J.

Kathryn and Jeanne,

Today is the second anniversary of my Mom’s, your paternal grandmother’s, death.  My Dad, Grandpa, is doing well, but experiences times of grief.  You can feel the grief in his voice and demeanor.  Grief is interesting, and I’ll discuss grief in a future blog post.

At the time of Grandma’s death, Grandma and Grandpa had been married for 62 years.  They’re first date was Grandma’s 8^th Grade graduation and Grandpa had just finished his freshman year in high school.  June was the 70^th anniversary of their first date.

They truly loved each other.  But their relationship and their marriage were much more than truly loving each other.  I learned about marriage and love from them and they were wonderful models for marriage and as parents and just plain nice people.  Their model was powerful, and I expected my marriage to Mom to be warm, loving and nurturing, in essence, similar to my parent’s marriage.

Why did Grandma and Grandpa’s marriage work?

First of all, Grandma and Grandpa are genuinely wonderful people who had many friends and sustained long-term loving and healthy relationships with family, neighbors, clients, friends and acquaintances.  Both are happy people by nature with a strong sense of empathy and community.  My first leadership lessons came from watching my parents participate in PTA, Little League and other activities.  When the wife of a couple who were friends suddenly became very ill and subsequently died, Mom and Dad welcomed their children into our home for many years.  Each day after school we had 7 children (the three of us and the four other children) clambering around our small home and generally we had 10 people seated for dinner each school night.  At Grandma’s Celebration of Life, Jonathan, the oldest of the other family’s children, spoke lovingly of Mom’s influence in their life and his continuing relationship with Mom and Dad.

As mates, husband and wife, we knew from an early age that your grandparents were deeply in love and committed to each other.  Their relationship was not for show, they were deeply connected and worked well together as a team.  Grandma had suffered from her scoliosis for years, even when I was a child, and I can remember Grandma and Grandpa working well to care for us, care for Mom and maintain a life together.  In my mind, they truly modeled loving spouses, loving mates.  For Grandpa, Grandma was more important to him, then he was to himself.  For Grandma, Grandpa was more important to her, then she was to herself.  That was my model of a happy marriage.

So, as individuals they were wonderful people.  As spouses and mates, they shared a wonderful life committed to each other.  And, they were more…

As parents, as children to their parents, as siblings to their nuclear families, as aunt and uncle, as grandparents, as great grandparents, and as friends, they were loving and nurturing people who showed they cared for each of those roles deeply.  As their children, we knew we were cherished.  You know, as their grandchildren, that you are cherished.  They loved their parents and I remember how well Dad took care of his Grandmother, my Great Grandmother.  My cousin just sent Grandpa flowers to celebrate Father’s Day.  I remember they day your brother was born, he was so sick, and my Dad was waiting at the front door of the hospital for Mom and me to arrive.  He was so anxious, he had picked up a pack of cigarettes to have something to do while he was waiting for us to arrive.  Mom and Dad were always there, where ever there was, for us and all their loved ones. At every step along the way, even for Grandpa today, they were and are helping their loved ones in whatever role was right for that moment – parent, child, uncle and aunt, grandparent, friend.

Ultimately the model my parents set was of happiness in all aspects of life – as people, as mates and as loving parents, children, grandparents, siblings, friends.

Their model is my model and I want you to know that I love you deeply and totally.  I want you to clearly understand that I still love you deeply, which is especially important to me during this time of your estrangement from me.

Your Dad, Christopher Matthew

How do you love?  How does your spouse or partner know you love and care for them?  How do you handle trouble, because some type of trouble (connection, money, children, life, work, parents, siblings, health) always occurs?  Does your spouse or partner turn toward you or away from you?

Today’s Gottman Institute email addresses these questions.

 

“Some think that love is (or is not) meant to be. And when we are in the thrill of new love, it often feels like you’re going along for the ride, like it’s happening to you and not the other way around.

But what about making a choice to love someone?

Every time you turn toward your partner instead of away, that is a choice.

Every time you listen empathetically to understand your partner’s perspective—even if you disagree—that is a choice.

Every time you express a positive need to your partner, and listen and respond to their needs, that is a choice.

Being intentional, attentive, mindful, and appreciative in your relationship are choices.

In which ways do you choose to love your partner?”  Gottman Institute Email dated July 17, 2018

 

I endeavored to turn toward my FS.  My FS inevitability turned away.

Christopher Matthew

 

“How do we welcome home our lost brothers and sisters?  By running out to them, embracing them, and kissing them.  By clothing them with the best clothes we have and making them our honored guests.  By offering them the best food and inviting friends and family for a party.  And, most important of all, by not asking for excuses or explanations, only showing our immense joy that they are with us again.”

Henri Nouwen, Daily Meditation, July 3, 2018

I do not want to embarrass my daughters, my former spouse or our families, so I will not use their real names.  I want to keep our names private, so I will give each an identity, as follows:

Christopher Matthew or Dad, depending on the context, the blogger

Mom, your Mother or, FS, my former spouse – depends on the context

Kathryn, my older daughter who was born in the mid-1980’s

Jeanne, my younger daughter who was born in the late-1980’s

Angel, our son who died three days after birth in the earlier 1980’s

and some Key Dates

FS and I met in early 1979 and married in mid-1980.

Legal Separation in early 2011

Bifurcated Divorce in early 2014

Divorce Settlement in October 2014.

Finally, as I start this blog, I’m in my early 60’s.  FS is a couple of years older.  Kathryn is almost 34.  Jeanne, who is married, will soon be 30.

My daughters do not speak to me, so this blog is being written to give me a venue to communicate with them regardless of whether they ever care to read my messages or know that the blog is available to read.

“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”  My guess is the falling tree makes a sound, but without anyone available to listen, it’s impossible to remember the experience of the tree falling and hard to describe the sound made by the falling tree.  In essence, the falling tree is not memorialized, the only evidence of the fallen tree lies on the ground decaying.

While the philosophical question posed above is interesting, the purpose of this blog is to remember, to memorialize, to explain, to challenge, to clarify my love for my daughters and explain why I chose to separate, then divorce their mother.  I shall not lie on the ground decaying.  I will leave messages here to hopefully be read at another time.

I pray daily that their estrangement from me and my parents will end.  I’m not sure hope is the proper word.